I feel like if women were more honest, we'd talk about how devastatingly difficult having a child is. Instead of asking about the baby, we might ask... "do you need help?" "a shoulder to cry on?" "what changes have you gone through recently?" "what nourishes you lately?" "are you meeting your needs? What are your needs?"
domestic life is challenging, and i'm coming from a single mom, lots of help from my own mother, lucky enough to spend quality time with the baby perspective. a privileged perspective. admittedly, i'm ranting, but please. why don't we talk about how difficult this is? the breast feeding, the rooting every night, sleeping on one side of your body, not sleeping at all, the fits, the tantrums, the attachment..never a dull moment. i used to meditate and practice yoga every day, hah! i'm lucky if i get 20 minutes to breathe. i'm writing this after he falls asleep, and i'm exhausted, but i need to feel like i have my own life, too. that i'm still my own person, a woman with an identity separate from mother.
and how powerful this identity is.
i'm changed. i'm challenged. i'm new, i'm old. i hurt, i cry, but i feel the deepest, most solid love i've ever felt. the english language doesn't quite describe this love. it's more than love, its a deeply spiritual connection, someone you know from lifetimes ago.
i'd die for this little human, i'd do anything for him. isn't that what a mother is supposed to do? yet...
i think of Adrienne Rich, Of Woman Born. She spoke honestly. More women are. There are books out there, stories of how HARD it is, married, single, co-parenting, whatever.
sending you love, fellow mothers. what a glorious, painful path to walk.
Baby is due August 19th. Looking back, I've come a long way in accepting and embracing this pregnancy. I'm grateful to have a child on the way, and can only hope the baby is healthy and generally happy. I also hope my early pregnancy moodiness does not affect his current energetic body.
A dear friend recently hosted a Blessingway and Baby Shower for me. It was so wonderful to bring together the community of Southern AZ, which includes people from all over the world! How wonderful to have amazing support, both from my partner, family, friends, and wider community. People showed up who I would have never expected, and inspired connections were made between strangers.
Now I am waiting for baby to arrive. Blessings to you.
On February 7th, my rekindled love and I took a day trip to Bisbee. In between picking up some of my art pieces from Meridian Books (a wonderful, locally owned bookstore...check it out if you are in the area) and tramping up and down stairs, I discovered some deep inner peace.
Of course, this feeling is fleeting, and waxes and wanes with the moon. However, touching some peace for the first time this year helped me realize the truth in the new moon/year of the Fire Monkey.
Reading up on some Chinese astrology, the last two years have been Yin/Wood years, and now it is time to celebrate a yang, fire, extroverted time of manifestation and reaping the rewards of our pursuits!!
How auspicious for myself, personally, that my birthday falls on a new moon and the beginning of the Chinese new year! I'm reminding myself that I LOVE MYSELF and hope this love spreads around to others. xoxo bless you Mahala
What a year it's been! With the start of 2016, I'm beginning to feel like myself again. The happy, inner child type self that finds joy in sobriety and quiet moments.
2015 found me a wreck and a shell of a human. After giving myself away to relationship after relationship, I had no idea who I was. You can read more about it in my tiny buddha article here. In between "soul searching" (a.k.a addictive behavior, impulsive purchases, and pretending to be someone I was not) and "finding myself" (living quietly with my folks, saving money, chatting with my partner on the phone, and growing a welcome child in my belly)...
I'm left pretty speechless.
What is life about? Transition after transition, so hold on while you can!
If you let go of the rollercoaster, you may just drop into the ether of an existential crisis and/or find yourself in Alice's Proverbial Wonderland of Bisbee, Arizona.
Not knocking Bisbee, of course, the artists rock the shit out of that town, and the local fare is way better than what you can find in Sierra Vista.
But either way, I'm hustling to save for this unborn rainbow fetus, who will be born in the year of the Monkey. I'm gathering all my strength to create, create, create. I'm literally creating a human and will pursue my vision of art as a way of making a living.
Visual art is still my dream and passion. Perhaps this year, I'll finally make the transition towards a sustainable free-lance art business, in addition to being a mama.
Mama's of the world, reach out to me, will you? Especially if you love art.
Peace and love,
"Do one thing everyday that scares you" -Eleanor Roosevelt
The last 11 months I have had a full time job, a flexible job, a job that I liked (at first) but gradually came to realize that my gender was a limitation and my voice was strangled in a quiet tornado of misogyny.
I spent every day in frustration, anger, resentment, and fear. Fear of having no "stable income" and fear of "quitting", and also fear of staying around and watching as the days drag on in monotonous routine. I had given myself a year minimum at this job, but last week I realized I could not commit to this goal.
I walked out.
It was the most unnerving, bold, and perhaps disorderly thing I have every done. Every bone in my body shook with fear as I came to the decision that my time there was up, that my attitude was only a reflection of the resentments I had accumulated and the injustice I felt as a woman, feminist, and human being.
Now I am swimming in child like bliss. I have been warned that "I shot myself in the foot", that the bliss "won't last long", that I am "gutsy" and whatever else. For every naysayer, I urge out of myself a heavy dose of self love and self acceptance. Everything happens for a reason, and in every moment I am free to decide.
I'm really looking forward to the coming weeks that are full of potential. The day I left my job behind, I felt the pulsation of the universe, the space around me beckoned to new opportunities and I can feel the true abundance coming my way. I am aware of the challenges I face, but at least I can start to regain my soul. Rejuvenate. Shed my old skin and grow a new one.
If you have ever felt the spirit of misery accompanying you day-to-day.. my advice is to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!
The universe loves happy people, not sad ones!
And how is life as an "unemployed" artist? So far...fantastic. A visit to the art museum, lots of time outside, a beautifully relaxing acupuncture session, treating my home with love and care and cleaning it as I have been wanting to for a long time...